Mk.

Just...not sure about crap right now.

THANKFULLY tomorrow I go to the doctor and maybe get some meds to help my apparently much-more-broken-than-I-thought little head. I love being broken. That means I can be fixed. Apparently the universe doesn't actually suck this much for normal people and I'm NOT just being a weak, whiny, oversensitive little attention-freak.

As a very wise person once told me, "If someone is begging for attention, we should probably pay attention. They might need something." Guess I need something. And hopefully it's just a little serotonin that we can just throw right back into my bloodstream and get me working normally.

Honestly, I'm a little freaked out, because I've been broken for as long as I can remember...I don't know how things will look when I function properly. Will I just no longer care about what people are saying about me behind my back, or will they just instantaneously stop hating me and no longer talk about me behind my back? Will I suddenly have friends or will I just stop being so ungrateful and appreciate the friends I already have? Will I all of a sudden stop being such a crappy, miserable, irresponsible, whiny, selfish, hateful, antisocial freak? There are some things I'm not sure even pills can fix. I mean, I'm inherently a bad person. It's a fact. Pills can't change facts. So will I just suddenly be fine with being a terrible excuse for a human being, or will I miraculously be changed into a decent creature with some form of redeeming values?

See, this is a problem. This is how my mind works. Half the time I'm bitter and blame the rest of the world for hurting me so much all the time, and half the time I blame myself for being such a sick heartless piece of filth and I believe I deserve much worse than what the world gives me. I guess that's what being manic-depressive is? Manic is hating other people and depressive is hating myself? Maybe? Maybe they are both just miseries, but one is misery on too much caffeine and the other is misery on not enough sleep. Oh hey. I'm in college. Those things happen a lot.

Should I even publish this? I mean, nobody cares about my feelings and it's just whining anyway. It's just making other people feel bad who haven't done anything wrong and annoying and pissing off everyone else who don't give a flying monkey if I fall off a building into a bathtub of quicklime. But it makes me feel better, for some reason, for people to understand what I'm going through. It makes me less inclined to snap like a rubber band and fly off the deep end and throw myself in front of a bus.

Or something.

I'm so lonely.
Maybe that's what it is.

Love you guys.
I promise I won't actually jump in front of a bus.
Hopefully I'll get fixed tomorrow.
<3
Katy